A blog break ... I'm calling it a quick moment of "stress-relief" ... which is kind of funny, seeing as how that's the topic du jour for this particular post.
With age, they say, comes wisdom. In my case, I think it's just a slight lessening of my stubborn streak, inasmuch as my health is concerned. Because apparently, I'm now willing to recognize warning signs a little bit earlier than I used to. And to actually do something about it.
Case in point - and this might seem like rambling, but bear with me, because I promise it's all related - one week ago today, I admitted to myself that I had a sinus infection. For a woman who has battled with these things for nearly fifteen years, that mightn't seem so profound. But this time, I made that admission without having to reach the point of abject misery.
Usually, it takes me weeks of suffering before I'll break down and make an appointment to see my MD about a sinus infection. By then, it's moved deep inside my head, and often turned into a secondary or even tertiary infection: step throat, or bronchitis, or an ear infection. But not this time. No, I recognized the signs early - pain in my face and my teeth, especially upon impact when walking in high heels ... sinus headaches that were increasing in severity ... nausea caused by vertigo ... and the stuff that was breaking loose from deep inside my head that was colors it shouldn't have been (yeah, that's lovely, I know) - so I was actually proactive this time.
Last Thursday, I called Dr. Dansby, the guy who's done two endoscopic sinus surgeries on me and started me on allergy shots this spring when I was STILL having problems. He was out of the office, but his staff was kind enough to check with the other doctor he offices with, and they phoned in a 15-day supply of a lovely super-strong Cephalasporin antibiotic.
Okay. So. With maturity, I'm a little less stubborn. I'm willing to recognize the warning signs, especially as it pertains to my health, a little bit earlier.
Which leads me to last night, and today.
I think I'm rapidly reaching burnout ... if I'm not there already. I'm afraid - really and truly afraid - that all the personal stress of the past six weeks (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, you obviously haven't been reading my blog), plus the increasing pressures I'm under at work, which are only going to get worse between now and the 14th of January, and no, I'm not going to get a break for the holidays, it really is only going to get worse - are taking their toll on me.
I'm not just talking about - oooh, I'm feeling stressed, I'm frazzled - which, of course, I am. But I've sort of learned to live in that state over the years. You don't serve as a Toastmasters District officer without learning how to live under constant stress. "Trial by fire," and all that. I've been doing what I can to take short breaks in-between moments of high-stress ... a little bit of deep breathing, an hour to watch MythBusters with Jim, a few moments to laugh at a joke with a friend ... before I get sucked back into the maelstrom that surrounds me.
But apparently those small spaces of peace I've tried to create in the midst of this intensity aren't enough, and my body is saying "ENOUGH!"
Last night, I became reacquainted with an old friend I haven't heard from in a long time. Mister Ulcer, say hello to my nice blog readers. (He just waved. Fancy that...)
I spent last night on the couch, doubled over in pain, trying really hard not to let Jim know just how badly I was hurting. I'm back on Zantac for the first time in ... well, a long time. I'm not entirely sure what's behind this, whether it's stress or that the antibiotic is killing my stomach or maybe a little of both. I'm not eating super-spicy foods, I'm not drinking caffiene, and I'm (unfortunately) not drinking alcohol, either. So it's either stress or the antibioitic. Or maybe both.
I didn't eat this morning, I was still hurting so bad. Breakfast was a sip of water and another Zantac. I choked down something from the cafe' at lunch, and I'm doing all right ... but I feel like I'm running around today in a state of low-grade panic. From meeting to meeting, crisis to crisis, feeling like I'm completely and entirely out of control. If I had a team of three people working on these projects, then maybe - just maybe - I'd have a shot at getting them all done. As it is, it's just me ... and it's all finally getting to me.
So, what do I do? Since I'm apparently recognizing the warning signs of an impending cave-in, what do I do about it? There's nothing I can do about the work stress. I've talked to my boss, and "it it what it is" - there's no relief in sight. He knows what I'm juggling, he knows I'm doing the best I can, and basically, I just have to survive the next three months until I go on the road for my meeting tour.
I am, therefore, at a bit of a loss. Acknowledging the source of the stress, and recognizing that there's nothing I can do to alleviate it, really hasn't gotten me anywhere ... other than more stressed out. (How's that for a Catch-22?)
The one thing I think I am going to do, however, is take tonight for myself. At 5pm today, I'm going to shut down my computer, pack everything up, and head home. I'm going to change into my pajamas, do a couple loads of laundry, and spend the rest of the evening doing something that is entirely and completely selfishly about me. I'm not going to reply to emails. I'm not going to prepare for a Toastmasters presentation. I'm not going to update any websites, or club records, or anything else.
I think I might scrapbook. Or read. And then take another Zantac, and a soak in the tub, and then crawl into bed. So I can get up in the morning and head back into the office and start the cycle of stress all over again.
If anyone out there has any ideas on how I can get through the next couple months, please ... share. Because something else that's coming with this new-found maturity is the realization that I don't have all the answers.
Enough of this pity party. My blog break is over - I've got a heaping helping of projects and planning and presentations to manage. Best get back to it.
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